• Rahul Mahesh

2021 (*conditions apply)


The hope and the lessons learnt every year are usually nought just like those New Year Resolutions that you make every 31st December before you drink yourself into oblivion and message some ex of yours in that drunken stupor (very specific, but I think you get my drift). If there is anything that we should learn is the value of the phrase “conditions apply”. Those fast paced sentences that are belted out after every life insurance commercial which would put Busta Rhymes to shame! It took 100 years for a pandemic to wreak havoc upon the whole world and talk about perfect timing.


Every mindfulness video is nothing much a massive Ponzi scheme masquerading as social service just so that you are distracted from the reality that for most parts life is largely a crutch. The fact that some fool with a man bun promoting some organically made razor blade tells me to do the most mundane things ticks me off. There is nothing called your “best self”, it just so happens that “do the best you can”, “try” doesn’t make for good tag-lines. Trying isn’t a good enough ingredient to your gallon of protein shake.


If there is anything one can aspire to this year is to pipe it down with the narcissism. I get it, you have great skin and according to you a great personality! Good for you. That fake modesty over the front camera doesn’t really translate well. Remember that one time, Gal Gadot and some pretentious celebs thought they could solve systemic racism by singing John Lennon’s “Imagine”? Nah, shit doesn’t work like that. So the next time you feel that itch to post a self during the golden hour extolling your feverish ‘go-getter’ pitch, think again? Maybe a two minute stare down with the front camera? That should do the trick.


PLEASE DON’T. There are a lot of things that change during your life. I wanted to be a rocket scientist when I was 12 and I think it is fair to say I am nowhere near that aspiration. Depending on who you ask people might say I did not chase it enough. I just cut my losses and kept cutting it long enough to realise maybe a change of dream could work (which still hasn’t btw. Ugh HOPE!). I wanted to be a fighter pilot, got glasses instead. There goes some authentic uniform porn down the drain! If you must and do have dreams and tangible resources and ideas on how to get there then forget all else. If not, reconsider and recalibrate your dreams cause it is more than likely that you are delusional.


Well, not all the goddamn time! The world need not be privy to your opinions all the time. For that there is Twitter. A community of unknowns who constantly pour lighter fluid on your self-esteem for no reason whatsoever. Go there for your jargon. It is not a party trick that you pop out at house parties while you chug down Jagermeister between nosebleeds. Try shutting the hell up for a change.

If there is anything that I have seen and learnt from the past year is the fact it is not all that fun to know the ‘REAL YOU’. Those lockdown home workouts have lost its shine, beer bellies are being worn with pride, the 5’o clock shadow has turned into Merlin’s envy and that is okay. There are no best versions of you, all of us are simply works in progress and let no one with a pixie cut or a square jaw and a cute smile tell you otherwise. Most of life is just simply trying to turn our existence into that burning trash bag rolling down the street in every apocalyptic movie ever. If you are hanging in, just hang in there. Some of us are just hangers and that is okay.


Featured Image: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/396739048429448810/

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