• Rahul Mahesh

A NIHILIST'S GUIDE TO AN INACTIVE LIVING


If there is anything that the pandemic has brought besides the death, doom and gloom; it is the fact that there's literally nothing stopping you from being the most lethargic version of yourself. I have forgotten the days and the passing of time is taken for granted just like anything in the world. A familiarity of the monotony is something that I never thought I will get used to, yet here I am. I do not know about you but the fact that I taste my morning coffee is not something I wish to do. Morning coffees are just for the effect and not for savouring, that is the only utility of coffee. To ensure that you have enough energy to push your bowels and later yourself through the madness of a morning routine. But there is now nowhere to go. I know coffee gourmands would disagree and surely I care enough about that.


Lessons learnt from lockdown is aplenty, the philosophical implications of time to kill is just immense. The activities are diverse and the effect of it all is just as meaningless. The idea of the lockdown is to come out of it at your miserable best. People who have done shit, learnt new skills can take a hike. It is our moment. Don't take it away from us with your "productivity". In words of the admirable child Greta Thunberg: "How dare you?"


HOW TO EFFECTIVELY REAP THE BENEFITS OF LOCKDOWN:


  • DO NOTHING: Self-improvement is for the weak. Bask in the glory of your worthlessness, it is the only way you can survive this. The other option is a voluntary stage exit which would not be pretty.

  • TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT NEVER MATTERED TO YOU: Politics is a good start. We all are very much aware you did not vote in the previous elections and now you have a hot take on the socio-political atmosphere of the country. Use jargons like "socio-political atmosphere", "party politics" and shit like that. Works every time.

  • HAVE AN OPINION ON EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.: Twitter is a cesspool for degenerates like us. Get on it and spew your garbage in 280 characters about things that are as outlandish as can be. The comment section on YouTube and Instagram are another great spots for instant shithousery and you deserve every part of the pie on that. What else have we got going, am I right?!

  • REELS! REELS! REELS!: In mankind's latest attempt to bring down IQ, reels are a godsend. I must admit I have become prey to it as well, the saving grace being that no one watches mine cause I am not too INTO it. But never say never. I can feel the pathetic in me rise already. Keep watching random reels and have the most annoying music stuck in your head so you can hum it all around the house when you make the fifteenth batch of banana bread.

  • CHECK YOUR MAILS DRUNK: If you are anything like I am then you have a load of sent mails to potential recruiters who have not bothered to reply to you. This is perfect time to revisit those mails and maybe take it up a notch. Nothing like a strongly worded mail under the influence of some good cheap liquor. If you are living with your family my guesses are shit has already hit the fan and you are imploding anyway.

  • CLASSIC SWITCHEROO: Your life lacks excitement and what better way to bring the thrill back by some switchroo! Well it is quite simple. Start using your LinkedIn as your Tinder profile and your Tinder profile as your LinkedIn. What better way to jazz up your life and potentially get balcklisted from both these places. Try it out, your soul mate could always use a CV!

  • GIVE UP: At the end of the day, there is nothing to anything anyway. Your futile attempts on dating apps, LinkedIn and everything in between is all for nought. You have the potential to become the best version of pathetic, seize it. It is there for the taking.

With hiring freezes, people getting laid off, recruiters acting like pricks and a lack of human touch; you have nothing to lose. Philosophical brooding is a great pastime for the pretentious in you, be the bore everyone always knew you were! This is your moment. Be nothing.


Featured Image: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/297448750370290676/




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