• Rahul Mahesh



The pandemic is winding down (around the world, not India) and things are opening up (again, around the world not India). It is now important to get back into the old ways and it might seem difficult for many but here are a few quick tips for breaking the ice.

  1. WEAR YOUR KNITWEAR EVERYWHERE YOU GO: If knitting has been one of the many pretentious things you did during lockdown, then show it off sis! It is a great conversation starter and your damp, sweaty face could be a dead giveaway. Surely makes you desirable to the over 60s age-group. This is your target audience for the time-being, you are not ready for age appropriate people.

  2. BYOC (BRING YOUR OWN CASSEROLE): I am guessing everyone is an accomplished cook by now, if not then what the fuck were you even doing? The pandemic has brought out the chef hats in everyone. Fuck real chefs, am I right? The first day back to work/party, get your casserole of ravioli or lasagna that looks like a truck crashed into an Omni thrice. And somehow it even smells just like that. Bring them out, you gourmand!

  3. TALK ABOUT JAZZ: If you want to put a room to sleep, nothing like some smooth jazz. If you want to make a crowd suicidal, then there is nothing like talking about smooth jazz. Talk about your newfound interest in jazz and the tendencies and subtleties of the genre in as many words as possible. Remember, you are the life of the party!

  4. THE CANINE SHENANIGANS: If you are a pet owner, keep talking about how your dog helped you during the tough time. NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PET! Now you might ask, "I don't have a pet, what do I do?". Well, there is no hope your life is not interesting, go back to your bedroom and wait for the call.

  5. REDISCOVERY ROAD: Your introspective journey is important to everyone. The pandemic has brought everyone closer to our inner selves and it is important that one only talks about the bounties of this self-discovery. Narcissism has always been desirable and it helps of you add meditation and yoga into the mix and really lean into it. Use as many spiritual words as possible like "chakras", "ethereal", "bandha", "core" and the like. Do not forget to explain every single word while you insist on the karmic possibilities of yogic living.

  6. TALK ABOUT BEING GRATEFUL: The word "grateful" and the constant use of it really increases your societal value. It truly shows that you have learnt something about yourself this lockdown. Time is of the essence and talking about the essence of life and your gratefulness for it is the most important way to utilise your time back into the world.

  7. SHOWCASE YOUR NEW GEMSTONE COLLECTION: The one you bought in the moment of sheer panic and anxiety one night while you were sipping on the wine from your father's bar cabinet. It was an impulse buy and gaudy at best, but your panic set eyes and need for validation for the same should be motivation enough to go for it.

You are the centre of attention always. This lockdown has taught you a lot and have no shame about it at all. You have danced to bad covers of popular songs on Instagram and involved your senile aunts to dance to WAP as well. You have peaked, my friend! It is going to be easier than you think, the world is your oyster and [insert as many cliched phrases as you like]. This is your moment.



Featured Art: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/743023638515103862/

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