THE 21st CENTURY EXISTENTIALIST
“To crush my soul or not, that is the question”, said the poet as he contemplated taking up that digital marketing job after 325 days of being unemployed. When Shakespeare wrote those famous unadapted lines in Hamlet, little did he know that would be relevant to the modern-day existentialist! When I sit with that lukewarm cup of coffee in front of my laptop, I believe that today is the day I will find the one. Little do I know that I could go from wanting to “seize the day” to seizures by the end of the hour! But that is the job hunt in its purest form. The constant idea that you are good enough while you get repeatedly spat on your face to realise you aren’t. It is not one of those page four of PornHub’s kinky spitting, this one is demeaning and heartbreaking (so is the latter but you get my drift?). It is crazy to think that every bit of your life is slowly extinguished as your friend gets that corporate position and that classic haircut and that professional photograph on LinkedIn while you are stuck with that dimly lit photo from 2014.
It is not your fault, the market is down…
If you hear this more than once from friends and family alike, I want you to know that they are REALLY judging you for not making it. The cliched statements of, “He was so good in school” or “He used to be so bright” are a staple in the back alley of that encrypted WhatsApp chatbox that has your 20 aunties talking smack. I want you to know and accept that you are worthless, for there is power in that. The shamelessness of it all is one of life’s peak appeal. Remember the time you heard your ex-girlfriend say “it is not you, it is me”? It is really you. If you are reading this you should know that.
What happened? What went wrong?
There are many ways to combat this question. Many of the world’s biggest question has started with this W, but not yours. Your keyword and essence is loss and failure. There is beauty in that cause you don’t know any better. Every once in a while you take out your old trophies and polish it only to keep it back in that dusted Beyblade stadium set up you bought cause you thought that could be your career. Well, maybe it is time to brush up your skills. That seems like a tangible option right about now.
Uniforms built for you
It is important to realise that society bifurcates between the successful and the failures. Rightfully so. You are not built for big things in life. All of the times you mother said otherwise while she lovingly fed you that last helping of whatever the hell was nothing but a blindfold to the reality that your skinny/fat ass (depending on your self-esteem for the day) ain’t gonna make much. You must dress differently than the more successful people in our society. I’d suggest the Fall collection of 2018, with the beige jumper with mustard stains with those great sweatpants which you believe makes you look well endowed when the reality hits you every time you shower and confuse tears for water. Your outfit must depict the bleakness that is your life. Leave the black-tie, that Air Jordan that Daddy got you to the big dogs who give high-fives at dinner parties. The real winners you know?
Hope is the leash, Optimism Satan
Quit trying. There is nothing there for you. If you find inspiration in positivity quotes and Norman Peale books, you are already on your way. Good job! You are two steps away from a total and complete meltdown and the world will be watching. Put on a show! You need to know that you should quit it. Quit it all, not worth it. Optimism is for the weak, the world is sadder because of it. One does not find true happiness and optimism like that is nothing but a pretence. You have 947 connections on LinkedIn and still no job. Let it go. Quit.
We live in a world where crying in front of a camera and posting it on social media makes you a star. Dance videos of great beauty found on TikTok and Instagram by these amazing choreographers from next door who watched two of the 15000 Step Up movies hold value. You stand no chance. If you have begun to find inspiration from Justin Bieber and Kelly Clarkson lyrics, you are one step closer to the end anyway. Keep going!
In the words of Elsa, “Let it go”.
Featured Image: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/511580838925345373/